last night i had my first serious meltdown over the insurmountable debt that is attached to my name, my legal identity. the first time i added up all the student loans plus one credit card at the beginning of the summer – i laughed. i laughed because there’s no way i could pay that shit off. who woulda thought, a major in creative writing and a master’s in women and gender studies. at public universities. but now, i’m drowning? water filling my mouth with what used to be maniacal laughter.
my partner, my lover, my best friend- what would i do without him? i didn’t start crying just last night until i tried to utter the words to him: i have a payment. i said “i have a payment,” but when it came out the tears marched down my face like an army, marching. down my face. i think this is why i started to cry: because i literally do not have the funds in my bank account to pay it. there’s a fire roaring in front of me, eating the roof over my head, and i have no water to put it out. all i can do is watch it burn, and destroy any shelter or stability i otherwise tricked myself into thinking i have.
my partner, my lover, my best friend- what would i do without him? he’s there when it really, really counts. he speaks up when it really, really counts. he analogized my debt and my empty bank account to this: it’s like getting fucked in the ass. let me try to explain how he so brilliantly and hilariously put it. student loan debt is like getting fucked in the ass hard, so hard–for the first time, with no lube, no prep, no nothing. we might call it rape. i’m a self-identified queer feminist over here and yes i am building upon this analogy using sodomy and rape. i agree with this analogy. last night i was crying hysterically because i was being fucked so hard in the ass when i didn’t want to be. but there’s nothing i could do to stop it. i just have to take it. then my lover goes on with the analogy, saying, ass-fucking is painful at first, but maybe after awhile it doesn’t hurt so bad, and then you’re like, hmm–this might be pleasurable. later on, down the line once i’ve barely managed to make payments, all this ass-fucking might have been worth it and i won’t feel so horrible for majoring in creative writing and getting a master’s in gender studies.